2017 in closing2017-12-30 04:35, 1 year and 5 months ago
And I quote; https://cass.si/blog/2016-in-closing.html
Now I can say I don’t feel as sad as I used to - I’ve grown and learned a lot in 2016, and 2017 only looks like it’s going to get better…
I’ve had identity issues regarding gender for a long time, it’s an embarrassing thing to admit and I’ve tried to keep it under wraps whilst simultaneously not - if that makes sense. Whether it’s a result of something that happened when I was growing up, lack of a father figure or something obscure that just caused me to tick over and chase this fantasy. I’ve just had a change of mind about it. I remember walking home one day thinking about it (again), I asked myself,
“Does this make me happy?”
I couldn’t even think of a single instance wherein I’ve felt happy as a consequence of going down this path. I don’t hate myself for what I am or was, it’s just something that happened to me, could’ve been anyone else in my position as I’m sure there probably are.
In hindsight, it was a silly fantasy. An impossible feat that no-one truly reaches, it’s just simply biologically impossible, maybe close enough which might be enough for most people. I just can’t prescribe into it anymore - and the repercussions of failure are immense. Oscar Wilde is apparently quoted as saying, “Life is too important to be taken seriously”.
That quotes’ rang through my head often this year, if taken literally, you risk absolutely wasting it on something such as this - is that not a reason to take life seriously? I don’t want this thing to define my life and I refuse to let it anymore. Even though I’ve spent so long of my youth with these thoughts cyclically coming in and out in varying intensity, persuading me that this was the right thing to do, this thing would make me happy, that doing this single thing would make everything better. It’s just false.
It’s damaged too many relationships with people, although the social side of things has somewhat returned to normal, the consequences of medication are still affecting me in relation to interactions with people. I’ve essentially physically (and likely mentally) stopped growing since I was 16, being 18 now I’m way behind my peers in a lot of things, granted testosterone has a habit of being so strong it’ll probably make me catch up eventually, but I’ve still spent 2 and a half years in a state of stagnation.
With regards to relationships with people, being this way for a fair few years has taught me that almost everyone says one thing but thinks the complete opposite behind closed doors. I’ve lost any interest in anything beyond friendship, if that. I do it out of fear that I’ll be left alone one day by some person, that the times I’ll have had with them will be another painful and stinging reminder of what happens when I let people in - I don’t understand why someone would want to in the first place, just read this, I’m a wreck clinging to any piece of stability I can. I’ve managed to make myself disgusted with the idea of closeness, I yearn for closeness but at the same time avoid it when it arises, I’m convinced I subconsciously block out peoples attempts, I’ve convinced myself it’s impure and invalid. I feel repulsive, undeserving of love and I force myself to be angsty towards people who can enjoy each others company as a coping mechanism. I can’t imagine that anyone would want to see that side of me. My insecurity is so rife that I constantly probe others like it’s some kind of game, like if I get them to finally admit they dislike me I’ve somehow won - this typically ends up blowing up in my face since it’s people see it as rejection, that I can’t accept their feelings.
Depending on which direction my mental health goes will depend on how I continue to deal with things like this, depersonalization via alcohol seems like a decent option, but then again I’d rather not spend my whole life drunk, listening to Jesus Bleibet Meine Freude and staring at the ceiling until 5AM every night brimming with regret. I hope someday I’ll be able to know what it feels like to be loved, I don’t mind sex or whatever else, just to hold and be held, to look at another person and know without a doubt that they love you for you. I’m not sure if that’s a common thing that happens to people, or yet another childish fantasy I’ve latched onto.
I tried to keep positive writing this, but I seemed to have written myself into a bit of a rut. Reading over the paragraphs, again and again, I wonder why I even try to express any feeling I have without coming off as contrived. I’ve thought about this so much it’s become a boring topic, lacking in original thought, I just want to be finished with it and never think about it again. I tell myself it’s not all bleak though, putting aside this mental illness I’ll finally be able to have genuine interactions with people, be it good or bad, to love and experience all things that are supposed to happen in life, to grow up - anything is better than walking around feeling like you’re the star in your very own Truman Show.
Apologies for being intentionally vague.
I’ve managed (somehow) to become a bit more popular on Github, gaining about 30 odd followers, doesn’t sound like a lot but it’s a respectable amount on this site. Early in the year I released a message box library called Moan.lua, it managed to gain 39 stars this year, the most successful of any of my frankly spaghetti code concoctions.
I also released elk.css, a result of having to re-write the same code over and over again - it’s quite nice and gained 13 stars.
Those are the two most successful projects I can think of off the top of my head, I’ve also created flUIds, zephyr, lexp, lssx, wired, shortbread, ttutils, bklr2, project-euler, luwe, PiSPOS, ftp.ttxi and a bunch of other projects. A fairly productive year. I’ve also amounted a solid 1,100 git commits.
I finally earned an A*, a grade awarded for a 90% average across all units in a course. I managed an average of 98% in Electronics, pretty fucking solid if I say so myself. As a result of this, my college awarded me the “Best in A2 Electronics” award - which was nice.
Another, less impressive achievement was my first ever U grade. It’s not an official grade but a sort of internal exam, hopefully, it’ll be my last when I get my ass in gear for 2018.
I learned some new programming languages! MoonScript would have to be my favourite of all, it’s like CoffeeScript is to JS. Native OO and some other neat stuff.
2018 is going to be pretty important, getting my A-levels and going off to Uni, my family might be moving to Australia, leaving me behind to study.
My main thing is to sort out my mental health and develop a sense of self. For a long time, I’ve felt like a sort of entity inhabited within an alien shell, merely peeking out through a looking glass of my eyes and sending impulses to this body to perform certain actions - you get the picture. A solid part of a good mental health is maintaining the physical aspect of ones’ self. I kinda fell into a rut of eating just to push thoughts out of my head, as a result, I went from not eating at all (approx. 5% BF at one point) to a pretty chubby fucker.
Not that I’m overweight, just in ill-form, I believe that one should attempt to attain a decent physical form if not just for health. There’s some other stuff but I’m too tired to elaborate, anyway:
- Improve mental health
- Improve fitness & lose weight
- Get some decent grades (maybe AB/BB)
- Get into uni
So, happy new year - hopefully we don’t all nuke each other.