ensnared2018-05-17 01:58, 1 year and 3 weeks ago
- classic teen suicide album on: check
- late night blog posting: check
- slightly crap mood: check
every time i have the urge to write a post i tend to mentally type it out in my head, going over the sentences, spell check, come up with some comfy metaphors / whatever else makes me come off a vaguely interesting person - and the thing i’m doing right now is what i despise the most. people commonly start off posts with things like “I’ve tried to write this x times” or “Sorry I haven’t written in so long” - as if anyone cares, posting in this fashion is more of a soliloquy to my future self if anything.
that aside, how’s everything going with me? exam season is afoot you must be pretty burned out right?
first of all, you’re right. I had an exam today (maths) which went somewhat okay, the events prior are slightly more interesting. since mummy has left for Spain or something, i’ve had the house all to myself. you might start to concoct all kinds of scenarios in which an 18 year old of some nondescript gender might do - and yes, some of those are true. in-fact 3 days before my exam i decided to go on an MDMA infused alcohol bender - not very smart you! hey fuck you buddy, i’m 18, young dumb and full of - well, not really.
i’ve had a few “firsts” this week, first time talking to a drug dealer (which might i add are kind of what you’d expect), first time going to and actual normal bar (“shit i’m in the pit of normies”, wasn’t very comfortable and i shan’t be going to such a place anytime soon either) and first time sniffing drugs (total shit i don’t know why anyone bothers). i was with a group of people - and it’s like - i hate these people, yet i force myself to continue to interact with them as a way to make myself believe i’m a normal teenager?, this is what we do right? i know what i’m doing is seriously stupid and i know i’m acting like an asshole (somewhat worried this is going to become a permanent part of my persona with time), i recognise all these things but i just flow with it. i can’t say i care that much, it’s just like living two lives, i like to feel that i’m coming across as genuine as possible (a la zero inhibitions blogfagging) so putting on this personality faccade is something i’d feel uncomfortable doing long term.
as for the exam, maths, it’s a resit - last year i just wasn’t prepared, skills take time to develop and i’ve had time to “mature” in the sense that ive improved massively in recognizing patterns in the questions, seeing things in the questions that allow me to connect all the dots together. the first 10 minutes of the paper was really bad, i’m not sure why - since i was so confident - but i had a massive anxiety attack (at least i think that’s what’s happened [i don’t know much of anything about anxiety]), in the initial moments it like my eyes zoomed into the paper, and i watched my hands gripping the pen, scrawling numbers and performing calculations like i was an observer of a machine carrying out functions, it reminded me of the feeling i get after waking up from this awful recurrent nightmare i get every 6 months or so.
i kept looking at my hand writing the numbers down and after 10 more minutes or so the dissociative feelings subsided and i managed to focus properly on the exam - i think it went pretty ok, i’d be surprised if i scraped an A, but it certainly wasn’t as bad as the previous year. i’m seriously hoping what happened today isn’t a thing that happens in all my other 6 papers.
i’ve also had some thoughts as to what i want to do in the summer holidays too! it’s good to take your mind off the trainwreck that is the present and dream on about the future, yeah. i’m to start a job at a firm the day after my final exam (22nd next month) and since i have zero social life i’ll be working overtime pretty much every week for the entire summer (social life excuse is bullshit, i just want to autopilot my way through those 8 weeks), and i hope to earn a few thou. gbp to buy a c90. hopefully in the next summer i’ll go on a trip around europe, starting from crossing the channel into france, riding through germany, the slavic countries, up through finland, onto Stockholm, Oslo and then back down to Calais - at least that’s the general plan.
in the time between the two summers i’ll get a license to ride a motorbike, take a few long distance practice rides around england, get comfortable with camping in the outdoors by myself and hopefully learn a few things that’ll help me not die when in europe.