Ante academia2018-09-03 00:01, 8 months and 3 weeks ago
I leave for Southampton in about 18 days, I feel glad to be going but I’m not exactly overtly excited about it.
I can explain, the freedom of living on my own is something I’m looking forward to, and throwing myself into studies is something I really enjoy - it’s just I’ve got all my stuff packed and ready to go but the prospect of getting into uni felt more exciting than actually going. The whole time at college nobody said I would get in, and now I have - well, now what? The challenge of getting a 1st in my degree isn’t nearly as exciting because the personal incentive behind doing something people said I couldn’t just isn’t there. I find spite to be an incredibly motivating factor and now that people are rooting for me it all feels sort of backwards.
Southampton post all this crap on their site about how they’re the “top 1% uni in the country”, and that their EE course is “2nd in the UK behind Cambridge” which I’ve unashamedly toted a few times as bragging rights. I should be proud, right?
I don’t even know why I choose to do EE anyway, because I get praise for being the best at it? The moment someone mentions that I’m good at anything I push myself to excel to the point of elimnating any competition by a massive margin, kinda of exemplified in getting 98% UMS in Electronics and winning the best in A2 electronics award. Sometimes it’s like I just do things soley for praise or to belittle others. Maybe I have a fleeting interest in Electronics at best - how shameful is it that I’ve taken a place at this ‘presitigious’ uni when I don’t even give a shit about it, someone else who has a passion for it would’ve enjoyed this place immeasureably more.