escape2018-12-08 12:28, 5 months and 2 weeks ago
i bailed out of uni so fucking hard.
crashed and burned, went to hospital yet again and went home a few days later… still, could be worse i guess.
i haven’t dropped out, i’ve just deferred, well, i’m planning to anyway - i’m not sure if it’s illegal to do this but student finance is going to be dropping £2,700 in my bank in early january, so i figure i can just bullshit my way through student services for a bit and submit my suspension of study form after the fact.
i don’t really know how to feel about this; in a way i knew it would happen. i pretty much gave up a few months in - i was set on just dying at uni - i went to the hospital twice, made some detailed plans to kill myself and went as far as ordering my cremation in advance. my suicide note still lingers on my desktop.
all i got from uni really was a free raspberry pi, a few k of debt and a super fucked up arm. great. although i do know how to do phasor transforms now so that’s useful, right?
i knew i had to go home when it got to the point where i was rolling around in my flat hallway, crying & bleeding profusely all over the floor shouting about “how it never goes away” to my flatmates, throwing things at people trying to help me and then running away from hospital. i think i might be addicted to cutting a little bit - i really enjoy the adrenaline rush. i dunno, i just like getting stupidly drunk and watching the blood pour out.
so my plans for now: survive i guess? it’s kinda nice not having any deadlines or exams to worry about - for the last several years all my life has been is just reclusiveness and studying - endlessly trying to prove myself to people that don’t care, endlessly trying to achieve the highest possible. i don’t even care about my subject - i understand i don’t have a passion for what i do and that everything is simply a game of chasing praise for the dopamine hit.
instead of going through the 61 week nhs waiting list i’m going private now, i can get a prescription for hrt within 2 months, so that should alleviate some financial worries.
anyway, i figured i can just take a few years off, i’ve been guaranteed a job back at DHL - but this time in a less stressful and better paid position. i mentioned in my previous post about ffs and whatnot - that seems like a possibility now so i’ll pursue that i suppose.
as for the present, i simply sleep all day and dick about in the night with stupid things like dat protocol and airfix models.
speaking of which my paint just arrived - time to build a 1/35 scale panzer iv, ja vull!