캐스


last post

2018-12-15 15:00, 5 months and 3 weeks ago
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i appreciate the efforts people have gone to in order to help me - but this is my choice. i don’t want to be overtly dramatic about this but in the end i suppose it doesnt even matter anyway, i won’t be around to witness the fallout of this.

as for my method, i’ve thought it out quite throughly, last time when i cut my arms up i probably wouldve died if noone came in on me, the only downside it being pretty painful when doing it - and the fact you have to lose >40% blood volume to die, quite a mess for someone to clean up…

i’ll be getting my hands on some alkali nitrates pretty soon, since their legal and pretty lethal (if swallowed) i figure that’ll do the trick - i am sort of worried that it’ll fail too and i’ll just end up with a dead liver, so for the sake of redundancy i’ve been taking anti-coagulants for the last few weeks, so i’ll most likely have another go at my arteries. those two combined should do the trick.

i didn’t really want to leave a note or anything, but i know some people like the closure so if it helps them i don’t mind spending a few hours to type something out to least help them understand why i did this. i get that “it’s selfish” or whatever, but my answer to that is that it is also selfish to make someone live unessecarily through pain because ‘you want me to’.

i don’t know how to feel about this, maybe just relief, that’ll it’ll all be over. i can sleep and never wake up.

i do feel somewhat sad that i won’t be able to write a ‘2018 in ending’ like i have the previous few years, so i guess i’ll just do that now.

i said in https://ttxi.gq/blog/2017-in-closing that:

“Does this make me happy?”

i felt happy not because i was trans, but because people didn’t see me the way i wanted to be seen - maybe that somewhat narcissistic, but i don’t think its too much to ask to have something that everyone else has.

i don’t see any path in which i can be happy with myself. i’ve explained this in previous posts so i don’t feel like repeating myself.

i am simply tired of everything.

  • Improve mental health

Initially when i detransitioned i thought i was getting better, i went to a few social events, and i didn’t feel embarrassed about my long hair - people didn’t see me as this strangely gendered person but just a ‘normal boy’. after going so long without being treated as normal, i just enjoyed it - not having to worry about what people thought of me and whatnot.

that lasted for a bit, but then slowly as my hormones came back and the related changes, i started to feel more and more dysphoria until i caved in and bought some more anti-androgens. it got to the point where a few weeks into uni i was being hospitalised and the ambulance had to be called on me twice in a week because i kept hurting myself badly.

i guess now since i’m committing suicide i can say i’ve failed this point.

  • Improve fitness & lose weight

depression has a funny way for supressing appetite. as for my fitness it improved a fair bit (mostly due to the effects of testosterone i figure), i cycled 50km one day purely because i wanted to, i didn’t find it too difficult.

i ended up in Hull that day and stood in the middle of the bridge for about an hour, watching the lights above glisten over the rippling water surface. i could’ve easily have jumped that day.

as for weight loss, currently i’ve lost 15kg. so i hit my target of getting to 70kg.

  • Get some decent grades (maybe AB/BB)

i did this, overall i achieved A*AABB in alevels with some effort.

  • Get into uni

did this one too, got into the MEng for electronic engineering with ai.


mum: hey mum, this probably wasn’t what you were expecting, i expect you thought since i stopped doing all this trans stuff i was over it all… moving on and getting better.

i wish i had the courage to tell you how i actually felt back then, but there’s no need for that now. none of this is your fault, i know you tried so hard to make me happy, and i appreciate that so much. i hope you can understand. i love you.

brother: you’ve gotta settle down with a girl sometime soon, as much as you enjoy ‘the chase’; once you’ve found someone that has your back there’s really nothing else that can compare.

i know you didn’t take well to this thing at first - not your fault, it is strange i understand, don’t feel bad about it please.

sister: i want to apologise now for avoiding you when you were little, i was kind of upset that you were born female and i wasn’t, i suppose in a way i was just jealous. you’re too young to understand this now. im sorry for leaving you, i wish i could’ve been your older sister, that you could’ve had someone to look up to. jordan isnt exactly the best role model as i’m sure you’re aware!

anyway, i hope you succeed in life, you didn’t have an easy start with your mum and dad not being together, i hope that doesn’t hold you down too much, i know how it feels but your life is just starting, just try your best, okay?

dad: i haven’t seen you in so long i’ve forgotten your face.

i don’t blame you for not trying to get into contact with me, i did state quite clearly i didn’t want you to come back - that was just a combination of shame and quoting steward mckinney: ‘too big to fail’ (if that makes sense…)

i apologise for not calling you back when you sent that letter. i am ashamed of myself for what i am, i don’t see any way in which you could be proud of me. i still have fond memories of when we went camping together, you were a good father, i’m sorry i let you down - don’t feel that any of this is your fault.

flatmates: thanks for calling the ambulance back then, if i’d have died those few weeks ago i’d have felt bad for not writing this.

night garden: good server, regardless of what people said, you were my friends when i had really noone else.

special notice to emi, fresh & oli - hope you are going to be okay

taylor: sorry

stupid dumb shit, even though you’re kind of a dick at times and wholly infuriating i enjoyed our time together. quick meal and whatnot, see ya dork!

hannah:

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the code for my blue safe is: 348 - it has a bunch of writings from when i was younger, maybe you’ll find something in them useful

the password for my phone is : 9096

the password for my laptop is: 2415

on my laptop you’ll find a document on the desktop called: OnlineID.pdf, inside there’s a table with all my usernames, passwords, 2fa auth for every account ive signed up to in the last year or so

as for funeral costs, my laptop itself is worth ~£2,600 - sell that once you’re done with it, i saw cremations without a ceremony is about £1500, do whatever you want with the remainder of the money

i don’t know how long this site will be served for, i’ve been using netlify for a few years and had no downtime, so i think it’ll just carry on being hosted indefinitely until they go out of business or my github gets deleted

when the domain expires you can still visit this site at: https://ttxi.netlify.com

i’ll end this some songs i enjoy:

anyway, that’s all.