last post2018-12-15 15:00, 5 months and 3 weeks ago
i appreciate the efforts people have gone to in order to help me - but this is my choice. i don’t want to be overtly dramatic about this but in the end i suppose it doesnt even matter anyway, i won’t be around to witness the fallout of this.
as for my method, i’ve thought it out quite throughly, last time when i cut my arms up i probably wouldve died if noone came in on me, the only downside it being pretty painful when doing it - and the fact you have to lose >40% blood volume to die, quite a mess for someone to clean up…
i’ll be getting my hands on some alkali nitrates pretty soon, since their legal and pretty lethal (if swallowed) i figure that’ll do the trick - i am sort of worried that it’ll fail too and i’ll just end up with a dead liver, so for the sake of redundancy i’ve been taking anti-coagulants for the last few weeks, so i’ll most likely have another go at my arteries. those two combined should do the trick.
i didn’t really want to leave a note or anything, but i know some people like the closure so if it helps them i don’t mind spending a few hours to type something out to least help them understand why i did this. i get that “it’s selfish” or whatever, but my answer to that is that it is also selfish to make someone live unessecarily through pain because ‘you want me to’.
i don’t know how to feel about this, maybe just relief, that’ll it’ll all be over. i can sleep and never wake up.
i do feel somewhat sad that i won’t be able to write a ‘2018 in ending’ like i have the previous few years, so i guess i’ll just do that now.
i said in https://ttxi.gq/blog/2017-in-closing that:
“Does this make me happy?”
i felt happy not because i was trans, but because people didn’t see me the way i wanted to be seen - maybe that somewhat narcissistic, but i don’t think its too much to ask to have something that everyone else has.
i don’t see any path in which i can be happy with myself. i’ve explained this in previous posts so i don’t feel like repeating myself.
i am simply tired of everything.
- Improve mental health
Initially when i detransitioned i thought i was getting better, i went to a few social events, and i didn’t feel embarrassed about my long hair - people didn’t see me as this strangely gendered person but just a ‘normal boy’. after going so long without being treated as normal, i just enjoyed it - not having to worry about what people thought of me and whatnot.
that lasted for a bit, but then slowly as my hormones came back and the related changes, i started to feel more and more dysphoria until i caved in and bought some more anti-androgens. it got to the point where a few weeks into uni i was being hospitalised and the ambulance had to be called on me twice in a week because i kept hurting myself badly.
i guess now since i’m committing suicide i can say i’ve failed this point.
- Improve fitness & lose weight
depression has a funny way for supressing appetite. as for my fitness it improved a fair bit (mostly due to the effects of testosterone i figure), i cycled 50km one day purely because i wanted to, i didn’t find it too difficult.
i ended up in Hull that day and stood in the middle of the bridge for about an hour, watching the lights above glisten over the rippling water surface. i could’ve easily have jumped that day.
as for weight loss, currently i’ve lost 15kg. so i hit my target of getting to 70kg.
- Get some decent grades (maybe AB/BB)
i did this, overall i achieved A*AABB in alevels with some effort.
- Get into uni
did this one too, got into the MEng for electronic engineering with ai.
mum: hey mum, this probably wasn’t what you were expecting, i expect you thought since i stopped doing all this trans stuff i was over it all… moving on and getting better.
i wish i had the courage to tell you how i actually felt back then, but there’s no need for that now. none of this is your fault, i know you tried so hard to make me happy, and i appreciate that so much. i hope you can understand. i love you.
brother: you’ve gotta settle down with a girl sometime soon, as much as you enjoy ‘the chase’; once you’ve found someone that has your back there’s really nothing else that can compare.
i know you didn’t take well to this thing at first - not your fault, it is strange i understand, don’t feel bad about it please.
sister: i want to apologise now for avoiding you when you were little, i was kind of upset that you were born female and i wasn’t, i suppose in a way i was just jealous. you’re too young to understand this now. im sorry for leaving you, i wish i could’ve been your older sister, that you could’ve had someone to look up to. jordan isnt exactly the best role model as i’m sure you’re aware!
anyway, i hope you succeed in life, you didn’t have an easy start with your mum and dad not being together, i hope that doesn’t hold you down too much, i know how it feels but your life is just starting, just try your best, okay?
dad: i haven’t seen you in so long i’ve forgotten your face.
i don’t blame you for not trying to get into contact with me, i did state quite clearly i didn’t want you to come back - that was just a combination of shame and quoting steward mckinney: ‘too big to fail’ (if that makes sense…)
i apologise for not calling you back when you sent that letter. i am ashamed of myself for what i am, i don’t see any way in which you could be proud of me. i still have fond memories of when we went camping together, you were a good father, i’m sorry i let you down - don’t feel that any of this is your fault.
flatmates: thanks for calling the ambulance back then, if i’d have died those few weeks ago i’d have felt bad for not writing this.
night garden: good server, regardless of what people said, you were my friends when i had really noone else.
special notice to emi, fresh & oli - hope you are going to be okay
stupid dumb shit, even though you’re kind of a dick at times and wholly infuriating i enjoyed our time together. quick meal and whatnot, see ya dork!
-----BEGIN PGP MESSAGE----- wcBMA9fJbtOH1SmpAQf/cSHqeDkOcJRwOXkUpLCcuvE4gLbHGgw80EJFlMOjEZTn v0Jo7wQ1nXiS96Mbi6G3MvwOWnLD/VFD6jT/Y5S+g9bgasvlR5XSQER7DegZNHdC wih0s1qNGip+DADAGVoUME3PwYiwS7uoSu0BJCV6KO49j1QXb3AFISDsjtq9NhQo RuqzTvi7FsjEZzZTQtuzb8i/FY7lnN2MvYRrwfHHGpd/XJar+Kl+RCsHvfbI6R07 eZvC0nBDAfzoKzpWxk5miNfAd40EQeXkC6zA4QAIS+jZa3baZarq5sxZpwnxzlu9 oJlpCSmyiowqOjEnlHIhCAYsRuPlNTeR/7uzt+cmqNLDqgEHYxAw5SwAGREPSLBD 3CR2SBYQrNZiU43jEzMZf+hC0o2x28hbc+KKhXk94eIAcFpSoN8r4fYU/ZKHzj39 cgnX0QRszubk/FI2cH0ddh4r+3/ax1FTP7UqfN9zcfnV+3fivBTnpAgi2egr+ibI YC/5jj7XsZo2UKXzztai49v5WWRyMHld3othFuNEzynFuJERGjXfHU7GTfgxeZHb cLsR+RAbnlVYoCnCkBTvV1NvVVEAiQy9Xlx8fa1FRnAhlfju8QOvW8/WZ+CPFtNP V2bwRE72okLkw7M+JIIK9hkwOyHZIXb9Aq6lgmaiB14oKDD3YWNHQW/goNYamQBh AMFLzK1z5U+T1lRg/T39ZGOgqS/x/hMmqmT2VXpQ0k8eI+6WEIU9ZxVmzvO0BtvM HuPj1eyqtG6PuPoGPpMuOMDMarY2x0aemY/Q2swkcapBsQvEotLXEq9d1/L5BZWU f57u72d/32hyC207X25aGZeDb5uye2o3nEJR879oBHNROLyQMzDaB6D7ge8R8cOW xfSWL8M8/rB4J5QHtd7qmGFGlnubbtBh1FbrrdpH1/OIjvC2Wr4KLQ0bauVOb5Ko JA+FfTxRqsenil4Jv0/UN3a3jkQAMLYv10aq2tG7p3l3Rqe16C+EnHeeXoIf7AIX r0/+KAQ9k1y3H5wUTABlGWSdCdUEqL+5b21M2iSacNj8BGXGKRO0hw1kFamL9ZMx XC404/NkSh72UUv9lguft/lVA4jaPzWH3xziW3PnQAE49ZruWIy5Wxd6TjIcAkqI fucBo8zunbf3egzFwWoEA0YXXEDcdyeHWnvQgCdf33HRJB4hMHyssd6hD0W/dLGq avq3k1a5e2STz57YqFEIq2uh4izqc2E50HDWDgoqjw483/9UB/Bch96YS5P338M8 V0qrtyly87gv3u08GI4ORlmTS7X0svevI5P2/HAp79MNag+dvd3p0McU7b6CMo1s oIldnpVw8AqLNDcxY2PM3CleF6Csqf4DJkyzc3dke0NE274WsC5dFNNMMdHGkRcK Q6hMloaENLN5D/dbVvvEXTOqFK0/PpUSfiY2maIMn4ej04Ar+TakXqpEPB3ZWn6V aZzMwuCAp8mhnvdJeOXT1MAesLkJ70mCS3fmiORosAGW+X9Vz4JZ7VlvLPMsKdiH Kd4hCkgPHOZ7lHCkhnTO91/BWwxPNw5F22kz6Ludgv3/Gpbxny10ndgeWq4TMSwB fQw304h/Ozz/0r3AHNBadFQEeilvWUeU5dHT/CmE/fYjNo6uDsCuRnmvv6axP3eY frrU/pGOgn7HaHcmwlqAkboTAl5jpRlD8j3fkf81wnekgu1dWlZ+5QrNWhY5xKpU 0yakGdQ8Xo2z3+cgY46and18mgTGYbe8iyvV/sFyet/dhwN4IURuxb+d3jNE48UN QpTt7OTDkGKtPdl3u43/T37wEKkSM1gXpxinLhDT9fmNmRdvdbi7v/Hl0d/1DofL 9DPkPRSlVMog9p1Z =iUfp -----END PGP MESSAGE-----
the code for my blue safe is: 348 - it has a bunch of writings from when i was younger, maybe you’ll find something in them useful
the password for my phone is : 9096
the password for my laptop is: 2415
on my laptop you’ll find a document on the desktop called: OnlineID.pdf, inside there’s a table with all my usernames, passwords, 2fa auth for every account ive signed up to in the last year or so
as for funeral costs, my laptop itself is worth ~£2,600 - sell that once you’re done with it, i saw cremations without a ceremony is about £1500, do whatever you want with the remainder of the money
i don’t know how long this site will be served for, i’ve been using netlify for a few years and had no downtime, so i think it’ll just carry on being hosted indefinitely until they go out of business or my github gets deleted
when the domain expires you can still visit this site at: https://ttxi.netlify.com
i’ll end this some songs i enjoy:
anyway, that’s all.