learn how to grow potatoes & a beef stew in this simple guide! †
step 1: make a flower bed
not strictly neccessary but head down to your local hardware store and pick up some bits of tree carcass for an extortionate amount, then screw them together with some L brackets & cover with a bit of old curtain so weeds don't spring up through, stick some holes in the bottom so the water doesn't pool & you have yourself a planter.
step 2: get some soil
lug 40 quid worth of soil/compost from your local garden store in blazing 30c heat and almost pass out from heat exhaustion - alternatively grab a factory standard boyfriend & get them to carry it for you 😈 dump soil into planter, with about 8 inches of depth
step 3: put tateys in the ground
as the saying goes, to make tateys you gotta buy tateys - so purchase any old ones from a store (i got these christmas ones) & leave them on the side for a bit in the sun until they start growing roots, should look like this:
step 4: water
simulate playing animal crossing in real life by pouring water onto said potatoes with a watering can - i have no idea how often you're meant to water them but common sense would dictate a couple times a week, or whenever you remember to really...
step 5: watch tateys grow
now for the boring part, sit and wait for them to do the thing, tateys grow fairly quickly but the tubers take a while to get big, most of the growth is done just before winter when the crop puts entire energy into the potatoes so that it can survive over the winter.
so in the meantime you can just watch them and eat normal frozen oven chips... growing takes a few months, apparently you're meant to harvest a few weeks after flowering?
step 6: become impatient and pull tateys out before they're peak size
its early october, you are bored and see this huge ass potato plant in your garden, you have been watching these plants grow for months; now, do you:
- wait until the leaves die like you're supposed to so you can get mega chungus potoates
- pull them out the ground early because you're impulsive and want a nice hit of dopamine to distract yourself from the eternal hell of existence...
step 7: eat small tateys
hell yes! you made it this far, you have some actual potatoes that you actually grew which came out the fookin ground!, now you need to wash them & store them in a dark place, otherwise they'll start growing roots and try to reproduce into even more baby tateys
step 7.5: beef stew recipe
what shall you do with all these tateys? make a stew of course!
- diced beef; sear in a pan to get a nice colour
- parsnips, carrot, sweetcorn, peas, onion - diced
- tomato paste, gravy, 2x beef stock cubes
- a dash of worcestershire sauce
- salt, pepper, 2x bay leaves
- and potatoes - obviously
then put in a slow cooker for 5-6 hours
† i am in no way qualified to give actual advice on farming